Sometimes it takes me a long while to compose a thought, especially if it is a feeling inside of me that I wordlessly understand but may not be able to describe to another. Today I finally composed my thoughts on something that happened earlier this year.
My husband was at OCS (Officer Candidate School) only two weeks when some blood work he had done before school was flagged. Ultimately, he was sent home to see specialists at Walter Reed and Bethesda (oncologists, urologists, etc). They thought he had cancer. Then, the secondary diagnosis was much worse than cancer. They said he might have an incurable disease that would give him, at best, 10 years to live and at worst, less than a year. More tests were run, and the wait began.
There were some people that got upset with me at this point in the story. They thought I should be freaking out, or at least show some sign that I was extremely concerned about my husband (who I love greatly). I did not. I couldn't explain well enough why, but now I can. Here is what I felt but couldn't articulate at the time.
If he was going to die, would my worry or panic change that fact? No. It's like this, let's say you are falling off a cliff. You cannot save yourself and you will die when you reach the bottom. You have two choices at this point, you can scream and yell, panic and thrash around and still die, or you can accept that death is inevitable and enjoy the view on the way down. Either way you die, we all do, but the choice is yours on how you experience life before that moment.
I have an incurable disease, it tries to kill me every now and again. Someday it will probably win. There are 2 advantages to having a life threatening disease. Number one, I have an idea of what will ultimately get me in the end, most do not, and number two, I don't take life for granted. I am not guaranteed a full, long life. So, I can either accept that and enjoy the journey, or not. People who are not in my position sometimes think I am crazy, that I should explore every option that may prolong my life irregardless of how that may affect my quality of life. I prefer quality over quantity. Besides, if I were young and healthy, I would probably squander the gift of life and youth, taking the most sacred and special of moments for granted. Instead, I live life with the motto, Carpe Diem, Seize the day! Do you?
It turned out that the doctors were wrong. My husband did not have cancer or a life threatening disease. They say the blood work was a fluke. Life is funny like that. To those that worried and fussed at me, I hope you take a step back and think about what I have shared. I hope you choose to live life like YOU were dying.